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| So these dreams last night.
Lately, I've been bugging Matt about getting me flowers. Actually, since April. When tulips started blooming outside of Dempsey. Like "aw, I want some flowers." or "Those flowers are so pretty, I'd love to have some."
So this dream.
I was bugging him about flowers again, kind of jokingly. Then he actually bought me some...and I was pissed. I told him I didn't want him to buy me flowers just because I wanted them, but because he wanted to be romantic. And I asked him why he wasn't as romantic as he was the first couple of years we were together. And he had no answer, so I just stormed off.
See, the thing is...I really do wonder where the romance went. I love him, don't get me wrong. I love everything about him, and I've never loved him more than I do now. I don't think I can live without him. But sometimes I miss the random cute things he did. Like the first year we were together, the silly love notes. And random flowers and stuff.
The second year we were together, random flowers and love notes again. And random calls and texts that I would lock in my phone all the time, 'cause he is so damn sweet.
The third year we were together, the hardest year. Letters in the mail so I had something to hold on to, buying himself some kind of chocolate or candy and making sure to save a couple pieces for me when he came home for the weekend.
This year...since we're always together, not too much.
And I feel like such an idiot saying all of these things. I feel so stupid, because he really does do a lot for me. He takes care of me when I'm sick. He cooks for me. He helps me clean the house all the time. He provides everything that I need.
But I wouldn't mind a little romance. There is happiness, contentedness, comfort, security, trust, love...everything you need in a relationship. But I just miss the romance. I miss being swept off my feet.
But hey, it couldn't last forever, could it? It's not like I can go until the day we die getting random romance every day.
God I'm a terrible girlfriend...who asks entirely too much from the man she loves. | | |
| can this whole thing get any more fucking annoying?
i went out and had an awesome day, and then came home to this
caitlin in a bad mood...and she wont' talk to me about it.
i asked meghan why caitlin is in a bad mood, cuz apparently they were talking for hours
she said "i dunno, she didn't seem like she's in a bad mood when she was talking to me. maybe its because we brought up like every issue we've had ever"
i said "oh well...thats nice?"
she said "well sometimes its nice to have someone to talk to." and like walked away angrily
what the fucking fuck yo
now caitlin is in here writing like a crazy person in her stupid journal...and she's not in a bad mood?
bullfuckingshit.
ugh. can this night get any worse?
wait, yes it can!
both photographers for my grandma's wedding just canceled on me. it's wonderful. | | |
| today just sucks in general and i feel like if i talk to one of my friends about it, they're not gonna understand.
1. i skipped my art lecture because i really need to study for the three exams i have wednesday. i told caitlin i wasn't going to class and she just bugged me about it until i left. and i understand that yeah, i should go to class. but come on, this art class is probably the easiest class ever, and i have three fucking exams all in one day to study for.
2. i went to the health center to refill my adderall and when i went back outside, matt was waiting for me, which was great. we talked, and he forgot yet another thing...how many math sections i have left to study. which isn't a big deal, i don't really care, i told him, but he was like "OKAY I KNOW, sorry!" and i wasn't even mad. i was just like "i told you, i only have --" and he was like "OKAY!!!" frustratedly. what did i do soooo wrong...?
3. whilst talking to matt outside of the health center, he said "you know, you really should've gone to class. caitlin feels like all the responsibility and pressure is on her 'cause she always goes to class and you skip it alot."
i said "i never ask her for notes, i never ask her for anything. her responsibility is to herself, not me, and she knows that."
he said "yeah, well you know her. it may not be true but it's how she feels."
i said "did she just say this to you?"
he said "no..."
i said "did she ever say this to you?"
he said "no...but you know her"
i said "yeah, i do. and if that is how she felt, she would tell me straight out instead of bugging me about something else. don't assume that's how she feels unless she straight out tells you."
UGH.
4. stupid bitch sam down the hall, the one with the 12 year old girl voice, walked out of her room and went "ew...it smells like fucking shit out here." i am sooo sick of her...i really hope she doesn't live here again next semester. ick.
5. i have no drive to study right now...i don't want to be doing anything but drifting through today because the few things that have happened already have made it suck entirely too much.
i know that what matt said wasn't true, that he was just assuming shit again, but i feel like shit now. now i feel like i am slacking more than i really am, which isn't a lot. i feel like caitlin is gonna be mad at me for not going to class, even though i KNOW she's not. ughhhh
i hate this soooo much right now. | | |
| what is it that i do, exactly? i am so very confused. it seems like everything roots at me. all of the problems start with something i do...it's how i feel. what is it that i do so terribly? what do i do that is just this bad? what do i do to fuck up everything in my life like this? what. do. i. fucking. do?!??!!??!?!?!
it has to be me. there is no other explanation. there isn't anything else i can figure out. everyone leaves ME. there has to be a reason they are driven away. it's been going on my whole life...what do i do?!??!?!! | | |
| Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins
i only wish you knew that i would forgive everything...i think. i feel like right now, i could forgive everything. but then again...i'm so angry that i have no idea if i could ever forgive you. but god i want you back in my life so bad that i would forget everything...or at least pretend to until you hurt me again. just like everyone else does.
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again
maybe i'm just so angry that i hold on to our friendship and the idea of you because it's all i have left. and that is what hurts.
So if you love me let me go
And run away before I know
My heart is just too dark to care
I can't destroy what isn't there
seeing you, hearing your voice...it kills me. it tears me apart. and i rarely see you, and i rarely hear you, but just the thought of you is enough to bring me to tears. and no, i can't destroy our friendship any more than it already is.
it's already torn to shreds.
and i'm not even the one who started tearing it apart.
Deliver me into my fate
If I'm alone I cannot hate
i can't hate you. no, i can't. i miss you terribly, there is seriously not a single day that goes by that i don't think of you. it may sound crazy but hey, i'm not contacting you and trying to win you back every day, am i?
i haven't tried that for over a year. and even when i did...you were the one to initiate it. with your empty promises of us reconciling, of us talking, even.
I don't deserve to have you
Ooh, my smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know
the sad thing about all of this is that i never WANT to lose the thought of you. the friendship we had, however short or long, was full of so much happiness that i would take this all over again just to have it back. i would cry myself to sleep at night all over again, just to have you back in my life.
I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
yeah, i still have the graduation card you gave me. it says that meeting me was one of the best things that happened to you, and that you hoped we could be friends for a really long time. there is a part of me that loves you so damn much that you were equivalent with matt. only platonically. you gained my love and respect so fast that it's unreal...no one, NO ONE has ever done that before.
I couldn't face a life without your lights
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight
but obviously "romantic love" meant more to you than our friendship. a girl you knew for a month was worth more to you than me. maybe that's what hurts the most.
you know what? i don't even KNOW what hurts the most anymore, because it all hurts so much.
every. single. fucking. day.
you would think i would be able to let go of this but i can't. and that is one of the hardest things i have to deal with when i wake up every morning.
So save your breath, I will not care
I think I made it very clear
You couldn't hate enough to love
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend
Then I could hurt you in the end
i am so angry, deep down, that i'd love to hurt you. but the sensible me wouldn't give you up again for everything in the world...
I never claimed to be a saint
Ooh, my own was banished long ago
i am not perfect. i know this. and you knew this. and you should still know it.
i wish i knew if you thought of me. and no, not angrily thought of me...but i wish that you thought of me fondly and remembered the amazing times we had...you were there with me through so much of the biggest transitions into my adulthood, and then you just vanished.
It took the death of hope to let you go
that's a lie. i still haven't let you go. and it's pathetic.
So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
your "love" for her was more than our friendship...i wish i could be COMPLETELY happy for you but i can't. i'm happy that you're happy but i can't be completely happy knowing that you are falsely happy.
And I won't listen to your shame
You ran away, you're all the same
even if you apologize, i won't take excuses.
i'll take you back. but i won't listen to your excuses or your apologies.
because i am not the same as i used to be...but i doubt you will believe that.
Angels lie to keep control
Ooh, my love was punished long ago
since i cared so much, since i loved so fiercely...it drove you away, because of her. she was determined to get rid of me...and she won. even though you told me, you PROMISED me! that that would never happen!!!
If you still care don't ever let me know
i'm scared to talk to you. i'm scared for you to call me or text me or message me on facebook, or ANYTHING...because i am scared of the pain.
but i want it more than i want anything in the world.
you don't even know how much i cared. i would have taken your side on almost anything. i would have backed you up all the way, if i felt you were right. i would have been the most amazing friend you ever had...
but i always seem to drive people away. | | |
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