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| i don't know if anyone that i know really understands what it means when i sincerely tell them that i love them.
when i love someone, i love them so fiercely and strongly that sometimes it hurts me. it hurts me in the end every time one of them finds someone they think can love them better than i will.
and any time one of these people come back to me because they've been hurts...i forget about being torn down and take them back with open arms, because i am most always at my most vulnerable.
i am a lover, i am not someone who tries to hurt people intentionally. i am someone who is there for you when your boyfriend/girlfriend shatters your heart into pieces at 4am and i have class at 9; i am someone who holds your hair for you when you're throwing up into the toilet and crying because you don't know if you're hungover or pregnant; i am the person who will back you up when you're right and is never afraid to tell you you're wrong, because i don't want you to have the wrong idea at the wrong time; i am the person who will put my life aside to help you in yours. i am the person who will throw everything in my life to the gutter while i help you try to fix your own problems. and i won't be upset about it at all.
i am the person who will love you forever, when everyone else only thinks they will.
i have been hurt many times. and there is only one person that i truly cared about and loved that i don't think i can ever welcome back into my life...though i have thought this before and been proven wrong.
the person who hurt me the most, though, would probably be welcomed back into the fold immediately, because he is probably the one friend i have had that i loved the most. the best. the largest amount i have ever loved someone, that isn't my fiance.
god i miss him.
this sucks so much. i hate missing him because i know that no matter what, we will probably never talk again. and that hurts me more than anything ever has in my life...
i hate this. it's been a year since we last talked civilly...since he last hugged me goodbye and promised we'd talk. he promised. and i believed him. ugh.
i miss him so much i even dream about him occasionally. it's pathetic...i hate that i can miss someone so much, it's like he's dead to me :(
and he might as well be, in my life, because i know he'll never talk to me again, because he believes something that a stupid girl told him. over his best friend.
god i hate this so much...it happened so long ago and i feel like the wounds are fresh...and they tear open every day, and every time i think of it, it's like pouring salt into them.
you would think i'd get over this already...but he was my best friend. he was the best friend i've ever had, in...ever! no one else has ever matched up with me this way, he was like my friend-soulmate. i had it great...my soulmate in love and my soulmate in friendship. but then it all just fell apart.
just like my life falls apart every time i wake up from a dream where we have forgiven each other for every terrible word ever said. | | |
| i just got off the phone with kelsie. and we were talking about what she hates about her senior portraits -- which i shot. eventually i took 3 down to shut her stupid face up GRR.
i let her get her way and then i informed her that while they were taken off of my internet pages...i was keeping them in my portfolio. because that is my right.
she exclaimed "whatever!" and hung up on me. seriously? she hung up on me? after i was nice and took down her stupid photos?
the following text messages ensued.
me: Ok kel. Way to be mature. From now on we strictly talk business. I'm done with the niceties. I'm not gonna let someone walk all over me. Good night. By the way, i OWN my portfolio and every portrait i take. I use them professionally and that is it. So yeah...its my right. Good night, kelsie.
kelsie: There are how many other pictures. You don't need any of the black shirt ones. And i even told you the day i took them i didn't like an of em
[note: she did no such thing. she actually said oh i like this one and oh i love that one.]
i was just hoping that you would meet me on a personal level.they really made me feel bad about myself.which many people don't get cuz there ok wit there body
me: Kelsie you of all people know that i am NOT ok with my body. So dont give me this you-dont-understantd spiel because regardless of what you think i do understand So good night
kelsie: I didn't say YOU didn't undertand. I said people. And i didn't want to fight over this, but i just felt horrible looking at myself in them...
me: Well they're down. Be happy. Hanging up on me was ridiculous. So i'm done trying to act like it's not a big deal that we're no longer friends. Good night.
kelsie: I didn't mean to hang up on you it was just heat of the moment. But obviously this is something that made me upset. And if you even did care about being my Friend, you would of understood why i didn't like the pics and wanted them down.
me: I said good night kelsie. I'm not gonna let this drama into my life, frankly i've been fine without it. Good night
kelsie: Wow thanks.
me: Please stop texting me.
what i take away from tonight:
- no other teenage girl is uncomfortable with their body
- no other teenage girl is unhappy with some photos
- hanging up on someone is okay as long as it's in the heat of the moment
- friends ALWAYS, ALWAYS understand each other...no matter what
- saying you don't want drama automatically implies that the person you're talking to is the root of all your problems
- the world doesn't revolve around the sun but instead around one teenage girl
yep
you know what
you know what it is
kelsie was in a car accident over the weekend
and while i'm glad she's okay, she's milking every ounce of attention she can out of this
because she thrives on peoples attention and sympathy...trust me i know.
yeah she was in a damn car accident. so suddenly she feels the need to take out her feelings on me because at first i said no i don't want to take down your photos because i think you look great.
and you know what? SHE LOOKED GREAT. she looked pretty, she looked thinner and curvy.
and you know what she's worried about? "i look pregnant, i dont need any more rumors"
maybe if you STOPPED TALKING SHIT ABOUT EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE
there wouldn't be these rumors
while we were having trust issues about her lying to me and talking about me, you know what she said?
"oh, you know jodi? yeah i know her. i don't really like her, she's a stupid bitch. oh, but don't tell her i said that! i'm always really nice to her face."
SERIOUSLY?!?!?
why would you just do that!
poison people i tell you
poison people
i'm glad i'm away from them
i haven't gotten this angry in a while
but something about her really sets me off
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| it's 1:30 in the morning. well, now 2, after xanga erase my entire fucking entry. UGH. fahlon: This message is going out to everyone who ever helped me and never hurt me in any way. thank you for helping me hang on as long as i have. some of u i have never met to bad cause whether u konw it or not u have helped me if u are getting this. goodbye and gnite to u all me: What is goodbye and good night supposed to mean...that message is a little worrysome fahlon: Its my problem not yours dont worpy about it. i bring it all on myself. no ones fault but my own. not codys not my moms my dads my familys or anyone elses its all mine@ me: But what is it that is doing this to you fahlon: Life all around. i should be perfectly happy got a great job just bought a brand new mustang gt 5 acres of land with a house being built on it...but im not. Cause in the past i always let the wrong peopke in and pushed away the right ones now my heart is so cold i cant let anyone in i cant trust anyone unless They are under the age of six cause i know they wont hurt me. me: Have you ever talked to a doctor about it...i mean there is a such thing as clinical depression. Pretty sure i've got it. fahlon: I cant do that. that would make things worse. i just want to dissapear..thats all i want. why is it that people who love life die..but those who wish for it It wont ever happen. that bothers me more than anything. there are so many i would have much rather have taken their place. they deserved it they appreciated Life so much more. it isnt fair. why did i get left here when i hate it but thex were forced away. life isnt fair one bit u cant trust hardley anyone. me: I dunno what to say. I dunno how i can show you that life is about better things...and that sometimes you cant just fix things to be perfect fahlon: Trust me i know what u mean i have tried to convince myself of that...i just cant i fake happiness in hopes ill make myself believe i am..but no...and thanks [[later]] fahlon: sorry if i woke u up..but thanks for being the only one who cared enough to respond me: You didn't...im just worried and dont know what i can do to help fahlon: no need to be. u have already done more than most in my life. and u hvae never met me. whatever happens now is going to be what i want idk exactly what yet. Im spending the nite alone and ill figure it out im just so tired of so much. honestly..this sounds crazy but its like cody was the final straw for me.... me: That doesn't sound crazy at all. He was the jerk of all jerks. fahlon: yea i like to tell myself that. but i cant figure out why i still care about him. honestly id give anything for him just to text me and ask how im doing and tell me how he is. but he doesnt care. never has. if he found out i was dead he would say thank god she is gone for good me: I dunno...i've known cody for a long time and i know that he is one messed up guy. He doesn't know the first thing about caring about people other than himself. fahlon: I know that now. i just got in way to deep he is the only guy i have ever told i love them. i dont just throw that word around. i gave so much to him and Just to be torn in to bits and pieces by the things he said. breaking up would have been one thing but the way he did it and the things he said im scared it Happen again if i fall for someone again. everytime i let someone in whether it be a guy or anyone i get thrown to the sharks Honestly i just want to talk to him..without that hatred in his voice me: I dunno what to say. I wish the person you fell for wasnt such a dick because you deserve so much more...i dunno what else to say fahlon: thanks... me: Im sorry :[ fahlon: dont be...u didnt do anything. and i dont even blame him im the one who fell for him. he taught me a lot about myself and i dont like it | | |
| so i have a message saved in my phone that was too big to send to twitter.
i was at a funeral when i typed it, sitting in a catholic church.
"i'm sitting in this church thinking about religion, its inevitable. i would hate to think that people think i hate religion because of my past. you know, 'where was god when my life was in pieces?' well, i didn't need him, i never asked for his help. i found my own personal savior. 'the lord works in mysterious ways,' all right."
and it's true.
i hate for people to think that i dont' think that God exists. it's not that i don't believe that he exists...but i don't believe in one single "god." what makes a god a god?
my gods are the people who keep me going every day. the people who make me want to get up in the morning. the people who raised me, fed me, took legit care of me. my gods aren't supreme beings to everyone else. my gods are my mommy and my daddy, my brothers and sister, my someday husband, my oldest friends. i believe in them and they believe in me right back.
when i was a kid and i would be hit, would be hurt, would be told how worthless i am and how terrible i was and how i was never gonna amount to anything...know who i went to for help? my friends. my mom. my grandparents. the people who cared about me.
something put the right people in my life...just in time, too. i don't believe that there's a god out there that can take care of everyone all the time...i think there's a higher power that helps us to get through the days we can. and that helps us to realize what we have to live for.
the poor souls who can't find a god, a religion, a savior of some sort, aren't just not able to find God. there are many people who die by their own hand, or otherwise, that believe and trust fully in God to take care of them. but see...they believe that "God" is out to get them and that they aren't being taken care of and there isn't anything to live for. this is simply because they haven't found the people that "God" put into their lives to help them get through their problems.
know who my "God"s were?
cole. erika. clifton. cherie. jimi. education. jimmy. taylor. matt. my grandparents. my aunts and uncles who recognized that there was something wrong in my life. all of those people who gave credit where credit was due. those people who reminded me every day that they loved me, no matter what anyone else told me.
i didn't have some super powerful "God" who saved me directly. instead, for some reason, these people were put into my lives and i was SAVED. i was saved. because the people in my life never failed to tell me how much they cared about me, no matter what happened to us.
you know what saved my life? my friends. and my brother, before taylor was born. the only things keeping me going were a few hormonal teenagers who i fought with all the time and a 6 year old boy who looked up to me more than anyone ever has before, and more than anyone EVER will. the least i can do is recognize them for being my personal saviors.
so that's my definition of "God." my "God" is what put those people in my life. because no supreme being has time for everyone. so he makes these "angels" to be in my life and love me and care and make me not blind anymore.
so i don't believe in one single god. i believe in the people in my life who got me through every step, no matter how hard or strenuous or horrifyingly painful.
thank you. thank you for watching me do the things i did and still pick me up after i dragged you down with me. thank you for loving me unconditionally and caring about me even after i hurt you sooo much. thank you for being in my life.
and to whatever it is up there, down there, all around us...thank you. because if it weren't for these people in my life...i would've been dead at 15.
so i am agnostic. and it will stay that way. i don't believe in "God." i believe in a higher power...who somehow put these people in my life. also known as fate.
:] love. | | |
| so recently another person made me look like a terrible, no-good piece of trash to society. and i am getting mighty sick of it. i'm tired of always looking like a terrible, selfish, bitchy person.
let's go with examples. we'll start from the top.
clifton.
every time i let things go that had happened between us, be it fights or otherwise, he always held it against me. always made me look like i was only in it to get what i wanted -- something that i don't even know. all i wanted was a friend. all i wanted was to be happy with a person that was so much like me it's crazy. but apparently he wasn't as much like me as i thought, because he suddenly decided that i wasn't worth his time unless he could get something out of it. money, a free ride, food, anything. but I'M the one that was terrible. even though i blew money on him, picking him up to bring him to his girlfriends', along with cole doing the same and getting fucked over the same way.
erika.
for some reason, erika seems to hate me now. one of the girls that i grew up with. one of the girls that meant everything in the world to me until she fucked up in my eyes. she completely disregarded the friends who did so much for her...so she could run off with a guy. and i'm a bad guy because i don't support her acting selfishly. getting pregnant to keep her boyfriend. and staying with said boyfriend who knowingly hurts her physically. cole gave her a roof over her head for a while. i gave her my support even when i didn't agree with her. and now she tells me that i lecture her and cole for things that they do that i don't agree with? since fucking when? seriously. last time i "lectured" erika was in the ninth fucking grade when she was getting high. because like i said. i didn't agree with it. WHEN WE WERE FOURTEEN. and she also said i'm a cunt who can't keep out of other peoples' business? right right right. because she called me. and told me that she is preggers. and i said well yay you but please don't get back with joeyo. and guess what? she did. and i did not call her and tell her she was wrong. i just didn't talk to her. because i didn't want to upset her. UGH. and i'm bad.
klayton.
oh dear god. me and klayton were tight. we were ridiculously close man. but then it all just...blew up, once a girl came along. he told me she didn't like it when he texted me when he was with her. and that he couldn't. and he told me how he was so happy to find someone who wasn't in it for sex. all the while, after the first couple of days they knew each other, they were doing EVERYTHING BUT have sex. seriously? what is that. that is just...in my eyes, ridiculous. and stupid.
and when i saw him after a MONTH and he blew me off completely? come on. and when i called him 'cause i needed support. and he blew me off? and i called him when i needed someone to be with me when i went to the police to talk about being sexually abused? and i wasn't even good enough then? but i forgave him. and we tried to be better. and i wrote a facebook note saying that i missed him and how i wished people didn't tell me bad things about his girlfriend 'cause i really wanted all of us to be friends and be happy. but no. that's me saying that i'm jealous and unhappy in my relationship and that i want them to break up and that i should just stay out of their lives 'cause all i do is cause problems. ALL I DO IS CAUSE PROBLEMS.
do you know what i've been told all of my life? "all you are is a problem chrissy. all you do is wreck things for everyone else. you can't do anything right. and you never will."
and though i try...apparently i still don't.
moving on to the next person.
chris.
i can't say that the falling out with chris is what made it bad. it's what his stupid 16 year old girlfriend says to me that makes it bad. that i'm the reason for all of the problems in their relationship. because even though chris and i aren't close anymore, i still stand up for him, because i'm not a jerk. i'm not gonna let someone walk all over another person, whether i like said person or not. because no one needs that treatment. i had that treatment all of my life. no one else needs it.
but when i told her that he was lying to her and they almost broke up. that's my fault? that HIS lies broke them up? because i wouldn't let him lie to her? i was LOOKING OUT FOR HER!
and recently. when chris lost 3 friends, his grandpa, his apartment...i stood up for him. because she told him he was being ridiculous by being upset over that. HE WAS BEING RIDICULOUS??! and she would rather go to a movie and dinner with "this guy she knows" than talk to her boyfriend on the phone while he's upset. and she blew him off to be with another guy. and he was the ridiculous one? that's the most recent time that she told me that i'm the whole problem and that i shouldn't care about chris anyway. what a fucking cunt. i'm sorry. but she is a fucking cunt. a selfish, spoiled, annoyingly ridiculous little bitch. yeah. that's right. and chris, even though i am not his biggest fan...i think he can do so much better than her.
kelsie.
oh kelsie. she betrayed my trust. because shakeal, klayton's girlfriend, knew something that i only told kelsie. I ONLY TOLD KELSIE. and she brought it up to me, to start shit with me. telling me that i'm immature and that i should stay off of my boyfriend's facebook page? i don't even know his password! he had me write something ONCE while he was driving, which he dictated to me, read, and posted himself. his words are NOT mine.
and then she had the nerve to ask my real best friend, matt, why i was being such a bitch to her?! HA! seriously?? why would you do that? so matt told her that she's not the kelsie we knew and loved. she's not the person i became friends with. she's selfish, disrespectful, and...that's pretty much it. she doesnt' respect anyone anymore. and if things don't go her way...dear lord will all hell break loose. she will freak out. and she doesn't even realize. and she DEMANDED that i take the stupid facebook note i wrote to vent down, because her "friends," who she whines and complains about all the time, were mad at HER for it. is that my problem? that they're putting their feelings in the wrong direction? no. it's not. it's hers. and theirs. and it's not my job to fix it, because i have nothing to do with it.
UGH.
i am so sick of looking bad.
i know that this stupid blog probably makes me look worse, because i'm bitching about these people. but i'm so sick of being told "you're wrong. you're the problem. you're what makes my day shitty. and you are what makes every day terrible."
because all i ever do is try to help.
with clifton, i gave up so much. i let him walk all over me. and when i stood up for myself once, he was done with me.
with erika, i tried to support her. but i tell her that her boyfriend is bad for her and she is done with me.
with klayton, i told him straight out that i didn't care that his girlfriend didn't like me -- i didn't much like her either, but if we could all be adult about this and just not fight, we could be friends. and we wouldn't have problems. but no. we couldn't. because she couldn't be adult about it. because apparently all i want to do is "get my hands on klayton." because i don't have a fiance that i love and that loves me dearly. and i'm apparently not in love or happy enough to marry that man. SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME. AND SHE THINKS THAT ALL I WANT IS HER BOYFRIEND. ugh. i thought when i graduated from high school, i graduated from high school kids' drama.
with chris. his girlfriend also, tells me i'm the problem. fuck girls. what a bunch of cunts we are.
with kelsie. i'm the bad guy 'cause i called her out on a lie. a straight out lie.
ugh.
i'm the bad guy. i'm the liar and druggie and puss and problem and backstabber. i'm the problem. i'm the one that causes problems. i'm not good enough. and i dont' want other people to be happy -- at all.
APPARENTLY.
fuck 'em.
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